That Old Love

So often, we hear of that old love that has stood the test of time. We hear our great aunties and uncles, granddads and grandmas speak of all of the trials and tribulations they went through to get to where they are today. And when we hear that, I’m not going to lie, I kind of take that with a grain of salt. You see the love they have now and think, they couldn’t have possibly gone through too much pain, they are still together. Right? Surely they’ve never cursed each other out, not spoken for a week or more, wanted to leave, gotten to the point when they don’t even look at each other. But the truth is, they have. The difference between now and then simple boil down to value. Don’t worry, I’ll explain.

We weren’t around for the times when your grandma couldn’t stand that your granddad always left the toilet seat up and always forgot to close the cabinets when he was done. We weren’t there for the times your uncle got sick of your auntie for washing the clothes wrong and accidentally drying his favorite shirt. We weren’t there to witness when they went thru their boring phases and just didn’t have much to say to each other. The truth is, it is gnna happen. I have always viewed relationships in a family sense. You have this person you confide in, talk to everyday, all day. Go through life together, GROW through life together, you see the good, bad and down right ugly of a person and you have to choose everyday to love them in spite of it all. Now-a-days, people are quick to see the faults in a person and simply abandon it for something ‘easier’. But they rarely take the time to realize that these situations are going to happen with everyone.

I always compare it to a sibling relationship, LET ME EXPLAIN. I have two brothers that I love to death but, they get on my nerves ALL THE TIME. They do things that I may not like, say things I don’t want to hear, give advice that is not warranted, hurt my feelings, messed up my room when we all still lived with my mom, broken a few toys of mine, but guess what, they are still my best friends. I will still choose them as my brothers if I had a choice. Because my love for them is unconditional. Despite all of the arguments we have had, where we have yelled to the top of our lungs and proclaimed how much we get on each others nerves, I still love them and I still choose them.

Relationships are a lot like that. Especially living with someone. When you wake up, they are there, when you go to sleep, they are there too. It is totally different than them just coming by to visit and staying a couple of nights with you or vice versa. You don’t notice how they throw their socks right next to the dirty clothes basket instead of IN it. You don’t notice them leaving the seat up. You don’t notice them putting your things up and forgetting where they put it. Or eating that piece of chicken you were saving for dinner. Regardless to the arguments you had that day, they are right there. Some days whether you like it or not. lol Trust me, we have our days when we can’t stand each other and do childish things like not speak to each other even though we are with each other all day, everyday. But once we give each other some space (aka go into different rooms and avoid each other lol) and are able to talk, we come to an understanding and decide to move past it.

This generation has made it so easy to move on to the next instead of putting in honest work to have a thriving relationship. You have friends that try to encourage the carefree lifestyle and to just find another. Sure, that would be easier but, you have to ask yourself if it is worth it. Happiness takes work. Being happy with your partner on the not so good days is hard work. And when I say work, that’s exactly what I mean. It’s not always easy, it’s not always the cuddling at night, it’s not always laughing together. Sometimes it’s not speaking all day and still making dinner for the both of you. Sometimes it’s throwing out the first olive branch and simply hugging or kissing your partner,  letting them know you understand or you’re sorry. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes you hurt each other’s feelings, sometimes your communication is off. But your love should remain the same. I am super grateful for how my relationship is now. But,  it took work to get where we are. I am grateful for the fact that we have family that encourages our love and advises us on how to stay happy and we listen and take that advice to better ourselves and each other.

Examples of love are so important, especially in this generation. With social media and everything else making it so easy to distract you, seeing real love is a pinnacle aspect of a healthy relationship. You have to listen, learn, and implement what you have heard and learned about yourself and your partner. You should always be your best self in the relationship you are in. Even if it doesn’t work out, it should make you feel good that you have learned somethings about yourself and it should make you better for the next person. You either Love or you Learn, there is no losing in love. Which I wrote about in my previous post Love or Learn (click here to read).

Sometimes people just don’t work out because they aren’t meant to be. They may be prince/princess charming to one person but, the opposite to another. I have learned that makes a huge difference in every aspect. So, the next time you are going through a rough patch with your significant other, ask yourself is it worth it. If it is, by all means work it out the best you can. If it isn’t, know that you have learned about yourself and DO NOT look at it as a loss.

 

As Always, Peace & Love ♥

 

Disconnecting to Reconnect

You ever need a social media break? I know I often do. I’ve stressed to you all before about how I am not a fan of it and most of the time I use it out of boredom or for my blog. Well, the other day I looked at my 2017 list and realized that I should be much further with my progress. Then I asked myself why I wasn’t completing these and felt like I was always rushing. Why was my mind all over the place? Why couldn’t I focus? Then I looked down at my phone and realized I was scrolling thru Facebook for the past hour; just liking and sharing random posts; not even really taking the time to look at them. I realized I was sharing articles I never even went back to read. I just looked at the headline and shared it. I was numbing my mind and I didn’t like it. So I decided to unplug. I deactivated my Facebook account, deleted Snapchat (which I later re-installed cause I needed to see what my husbands Michael B Jordan and Eric Bellinger was up to lol) and started to clear my head. I had so much on my mind and I couldn’t think straight and I was always filling up my time with empty entertainment. I needed..need to really focus.

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I started with baby steps and didn’t get on Facebook while I was at home. That wasn’t too hard. Then I figured, if I cut out distractions at home, why can’t I do it at work and see how it works? And the results are awesome. I am exceeding in my daily goal at work and overall feeling more tuned in. I don’t have a bunch of random post flooding my mind when I should be focused on more important things. If I want to look at the news, I can always go to the website myself. If I want to read about the latest gossip with celebs, I can find websites for that too. And If I want to scroll Facebook, I can always activate it again and continue as I was.

Before I decided to deactivate it, I deleted a lot of people. I went from over 1,500 friends to almost 300 now. I started only adding people that had some sort of value. Whether they were fellow bloggers, entrepreneurs, inspirational speakers or just positive people who shared similar views. I started making connections with people more like myself and it is such a nice feeling. I got tired of seeing people share fight videos, or depressing murder/suicide videos, or just share way too much information. The beauty of Facebook and any type of social media is that we can choose to see what we want to. So, that’s exactly what I did.

” It was taking up so much of my time.. by doing nothing. “

Another thing that made me slow doing my media craze was how I felt after I used it for a prolonged amount of time. Some days, I  would lay on the couch forimages (2).jpg hours, scrolling Facebook and I began to become aware of the way it made me feel. I was often more tired, didn’t pay attention to the time and things I said I was going to do. I often had headaches from looking at my screen at work for eight hours only to get off and look at my cell phone screen. Looking for something to make me laugh or something interesting to read, on FACEBOOK. And that was a huge problem. It was taking up so much of my time by doing nothing. It is so easy to keep up habits because they are comfortable and the go-to thing to do when you get bored, but they can have detrimental effects. People can become addicted to the internet and not even know it. Now I know what you’re thinking, ‘Really Malissa? Addicted? Girl, it ain’t that serious’. Well I’m telling you, there is such a thing. Such symptoms are:

  • Anxiety– You may look at another persons life on social media and think, “Man I have to catch up! I should be doing this and that too!” Slow down. Everyone’s journey is different and trust me, you don’t know the full story.
  • Depression- Seeing other people ‘pass you’ in life may cause a feeling of hopelessness and that could lead to depression and you not even know it.
  • Isolation – You see other peoples lives and think, ‘My life isn’t as cool as such and such, why even bother’. And before you know it, you are in your room watching everyone else have all the fun through your cell phone.
  • No sense of time – (Guilty) I am soooo guilty of this. Just ten more minutes and I’ll start cooking. Before I know it, an hour and a half has passed and I’ve done nothing.
  • Euphoric feeling when you can access the Internet/Your phone – Do you check your phone every few minutes to see who may have text you? DM’d you? Liked the post you shared? Do you feel upset/sad when NONE of your notifications have gone off? This could be a sign! Validation through no communication. A simple like should not make or break your day.

Now, I am not criticizing those of you who love social media. It’s an awesome outlet, really. I just personally feel that it can be a huge distraction and stop you from focusing and really thinking about your next move.  It’s time consuming and a lot of times may cause more harm than good. So sometimes, unplug. Take a step back from going straight home and turning on the TV. Pick up a book and read. Take a walk in the park or around your neighborhood. Disconnect with all of the outside world and dig into getting to know yourself. Really enjoy the things you are doing. You don’t always have to pick up the phone to document every little thing you do and let others know. Sometimes, live in the moment. Leave your phone at home or in your pocket and LIVE.

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I have this tattooed on my side. It’s a reminder to always take a step back and disconnect to reconnect with myself.

As Always, Peace & Love

 

 

 

If We’re Being Honest..

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Do you ever feel like you’re losing yourself?

I had to ask myself on a number of occasions. The first time was when I got into a relationship that my mother wanted me to be in, not because wanted to. I felt like something was wrong with me because he was the ‘perfect’ guy according to everyone else. I was young and felt like it was an obligation and that something was wrong with me because I didn’t want to be in that situation. But, it taught me to never put myself in that situation again. It hurt me everyday and I ended up hurting the other person as well cause I couldn’t and wouldn’t return the love they were giving me.

The second time was when I realized I couldn’t afford to keep attending the school I wanted to be at. I felt like I let myself down because I depended on everybody else to handle my business for me. That taught me that the best help comes from you. You get what you work for and I didn’t work hard enough to pay for it. Simple as that.

And the most recent time that I questioned it was on a Saturday morning as I picked up spider man underwear and threw a beer can into the trash. Picked the jays up and stacked them in the closet. It wasn’t until one Saturday morning, while making coffee and laying my edges down in the mirror while all three of the boys napped on the couch.. that I knew, this is me. I remember I wrote about change being uncomfortable. How it can feel odd and different and foreign. That’s exactly how I felt. But, I didn’t realize the break thru I was going to have. While a smooth cup of coffee was brewing in the kitchen with my eyes glued to Being Mary Jane and three of the funniest, sweetest men on the couch, I realized that I wasn’t losing myself, I was evolving. I was growing and I love the place I’m in and the people in my life and the long days, the early mornings, the arguments, the kisses, the smiles, the laughs, the finger swords fights. I loved it all. And I loved myself in the process. I have all of this added love and happiness to my life on top of being me, which is pretty amazing. I found a new sense of motivation. I can be all of these things and still be Malissa. How bad-ass right? I am going to finish school, I am going to get my health together, my natural hair is flourishing, my relationship is beautiful, my family is my heart and my mind is clear and focused.

 

So if you have to, retreat back, tuck yourself in a corner for a minute, cry ( you know those ugly tears you only bring out when your alone and the door is closed). Do it and get yourself together. Cause in the end, your opinion of yourself HAS to be the most important. And if you think lowly of yourself, so will everyone else.

I love my life. And I love the Malissa I am currently. This however, does not mean that I don’t recognize what I can improve on. I have so much I should be doing, be finished with, goals I need to be hitting. But, in the process, I love who I am. I love the mistakes I make, the lessons I am learning, the pain I go thru. It all means for a better me.

It is so important to stop and think, Who am I right now? Do I like who I am? Do I like the people in my life? If the answer is no, it’s time for a change. But, if the answer is yes, enjoy the journey. A lot of times we think we are a wreck, we feel a lot smaller than what we are, like we are drowning in everything around us. But stop, and take a look in the mirror and see the amazing person staring back. Write down all of the great things you have going for you on a piece of paper. Do something that makes you see how awesome you are. Cause If we are being honest, we all have insecure moments. We all have moments when we think we aren’t good enough, aren’t smart enough, aren’t small enough, aren’t big enough, aren’t doing anything right. But that’s apart of life. Self evaluation is so important. Trust me, there will always be people there to tell you what you aren’t doing right. Very rarely do you find people who highlight the good and the beautiful. But that’s what you have you for. For the times you feel weak and the outside doesn’t tell you otherwise. For the times you are tired and feel like giving up, for the times you can’t get your thoughts together because you have a million things going on. Look in the mirror, breathe, and keep going. So if you have to, retreat back, tuck yourself in a corner for a minute, cry ( you know those ugly tears you only bring out when your alone and the door is closed). Do it and get yourself together. Cause in the end, your opinion of yourself HAS to be the most important. And if you think lowly of yourself, so will everyone else.

So today, stop, look in the mirror. Do you like who you see?

As Always, Peace & Love

 

What’s on your mind? The social media craze.

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With social media being one of the most crucial parts of our lives, I can’t help but wonder, is it changing us as human beings in a detrimental way? Now, I’m not saying social media is the devil or even that it is not important. But, at what point do we draw the line? We pull our phones out for almost everything and never think twice about it. We will sit in front of our computer screens, cellphones and tablets for hours looking at miscellaneous things that often have nothing to do with us. But don’t get me wrong, there are some things that should stay private or just not everywhere online for good taste sake. Now I know you can share whatever you please, the platform is yours but, here are some examples that I hope you can agree with.

  1. Dead bodies. This one seems self explanatory right? But, sadly it isn’t. I’ve seen people go on Facebook live and broadcast people hit by cars, found dead, passed out..and none of it is tasteful. Especially when you are of no kin to the person or people you are recording. What if their families saw how their loved ones were being plastered over facebook? Or Instagram? Or Snapchat? On the very same platforms you post your duck lipped selfies and new hair dos’. Not to mention the oh so sympathetic ‘like’ button on facebook and the empathetic emotion options you have. I’m sorry, but someone clicking the ‘sad button’ or ‘angry face’ on facebook helps me in no way, shape of form.
  2. Money/wealth/Or lack there of…You should never post your financial situation online. Whether  it be good or bad is your business and MAYBE even your friends/family that you choose to tell but your homeboy or homegirl you went to middle school with that used to date your cousin? They don’t need to know a thing. You are either setting yourself up for someone to try and take what you have out of jealousy or to pity you and pity never put money in anyones pockets as far as I’m concerned.
  3. Bad breakups. So you got your heart broken cause she/he was the biggest liar, cheater, cheap, or maybe they just got on your nerves! NONE of it needs to go on social media. You only create a one man show and onlookers will laugh at you rather than with you. I know because I am an onlooker! How are they the worst person today but, you loved them to death yesterday? Just keep it to yourself. I garuantee when things cool off you will thank yourself for it later for not making a fool out of yourself out of anger or sadness.
  4. Explicit pictures. This one is kind of tricky. On one hand, you have people who love to express themselves freely and openly and don’t mind their body being on the internet for spiritual reasons or maybe they are comfortable with their body and just wants tho share it. But then you have those who simply do it for the attention of others. Then they post the famous line ‘ why is everybody in my inbox!?’ Well babe, your bare titties are out for the world to see. Or hey man, cause your penis is showing, that’s why!  Now I’m not judging,  but I’m pretty sure that is something you will regret or hey, maybe you really love the attention..
  5. Your location. With the ability to post live feed and tag your locations, I cant help but be afraid because of the creeps out in this world who will pay attention to your schedule and stalk you or maybe kidnap you. (Whew that was a long sentence but I had to get it out lol). With young girls and boys going missing everyday, it is a feature that is best used moderately.

Now I love social media just as much as the next but, we have to know when to say when. Don’t put everything out there for the world to see. Some things are personal and meant to stay that way. So whenever using social media, proceed with caution! You may put something out there that you can’t take back.

 

As Always, Peace & Love!

 

I Heard…

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You ever heard things about yourself that literally make you laugh out loud? No matter how bad, disgusting or false they are, it’s just downright hilarious. Let me tell you, I have heard a plethora of stories about me. All of which I never responded to and you shouldn’t either! And let me tell you why.

  1. I’m not one for drama. I have never been the type to ‘have beef’ with someone. It’s just not my style. Whether we have had our differences or not, I honestly don’t care enough to respond or react. I barely have time to think about myself so the time I do have will not be focused on gossipers or people who don’t like me. If you’re mad, know that you are mad all by yourself and nothing will come of it.
  2. I was raised different. Yeah, I could’ve responded with things ‘I heard’ or even facts about other people, but why? This only gives the other person power to know that they have upset you. And if it isn’t true, why bother anyway?
  3. I have better things to do. With everything I have to deal with on the daily; my future, school, work, family issues, my health, my relationship and friends, I literally have no time for things that don’t matter. So leave them where they are and worry about your life.
  4. What are you trying to prove? Ask yourself that before responding to ANYTHING. Will it effect you? Will it effect your check? Is it paying your rent, car note, cell phone bill, anything? Effecting your grades? If the answer is no, why do you care if you get a side eye from someone who ‘heard’. Screw them!  They aren’t your friends OR family. Just random people who need some business. If someone can take the time to bring up your name and spread nonsense, let them be and you keep doing what you’re doing.
  5. And last but not least. WWBD; What would Beyonce’ Do? Now, y’all know I love my girl for a number of reasons. But one of the main reasons I love her for is how she carries herself. You don’t ever hear about her responding to petty accusations or stories about herself, good or bad. And trust, there has been plenty. She dropped Lemonade and had the whole world thinking her marriage was about to be in shambles, and whether it was true or not, you see she is happy and has two beautiful babies on the way. You never hear about her talking about other people or putting people’s business out there just for relevancy. She never even dedicates a minuscule Instagram post about a rumor or hear say. Why? Because she is confident and knows who she is. She knows what she represents and you can’t hold yourself to that standard if you are constantly seen trying to prove others wrong and defending yourself to people who don’t matter. Prove them wrong by doing you and be damn good at it.

So guys, the next time you hear things about yourself, give it a good laugh! And congratulate those people for knowing more about you than you do. 😊

As Always, Peace & Love

Things I forgot to Remember

You ever have those things about yourself that you tell people that you used to do? For example, I used to have an awesome body when I ice skated ( fyi I love my body now, but I was in better shape before). I used to go to SLU, I worked so hard to get in! I used to… etc. etc. But I asked myself the other day, what about now? Who is Malissa today, in this moment. What do I really like to do? If someone asked, what would I say? When I couldn’t find the answer, I knew I needed a revamp. I had realized that when I spoke of things I was most proud of, it was in reference to things that I used to do. And that has to change.

I made a list about a week ago about how my year is going to go, no exceptions and I have already started knocking down some things. On my list, I have things I want to try, places I want to go, things I want /need for myself, goals I want to meet; things that we all put on our ‘To Do’ list but, they never manifest due to lack of effort and planning. That all ends from this year forward.

Well, so I never get side tracked, I hung my ‘2017 Goals’ up around the house so that I have no excuses when it comes to focus. I put one on my refrigerator and one near my steps so I can’t escape it. So when I go to eat food, I see my goal to be healthy and hopefully make better choices. When I wake up, I have no choice but to go down my stairs and look at the goals that I am striving for each day. And I also have one on my desk at work, to remind me not to get comfortable and work smart, not hard.

I have a board that I write inspirational quotes on that are supposed to be keeping me motivated but sadly, it has turned in to a drawing board for my boyfriend due to my lack of use. So I hung my list on it (and still left a little room for him to do his thing lol).

My younger self was motivated and a real go getter. I was..am a force to be reckoned with and I know if I keep this new found focus, I will become my best self at my own pace. I find that I tend to slack off a bit when I am in a relationship and I promised myself this wouldn’t happen this time. So, to 2017 and beyond. I’m excited! Here’s to putting effort into me; physically, emotionally, and mentally.

 

Love, Always ♥

But, they got kids!

Relationships are hard, okay? Like, real hard. Now, I don’t mean that you have to fight constant battles everyday with and/or against each other but, it does have it’s obstacles. Whether or not you make it through them in one piece, together, is the real challenge.

One thing in particular that seems to break relationships down, is if one of the partners has kids, BUT, only if it is not something you can handle. I want to address this because my man has two beautiful baby boys with his ex and I never for a second looked at them as being in the way of our relationship. But I know of people who simply will not date someone with kids or will not make any effort to get to know their children and it saddens me every time I hear it. I have had friends that won’t even ask about the children, or mention them. I never understood how you could date someone and not want to know their kid(s). And I also never understood how a person with kids could date someone who did not want to be in their kids life at some point.

Now, I do understand the reasons why someone might feel this way and not want to get involved. Maybe they have an ex that still wants your partner back or an ex that keeps them away simply because they may not like you. Maybe they feel like they can’t get as much time with their partner because they have kids. But, when you accept that person in your life, you have to accept the terms and conditions as well. It takes a certain level of maturity from each person involved to handle these things without feeling left out. You have to know that their children ALWAYS come first. Point.blank.period. And if you can’t handle that, maybe he/she isn’t for you.

When you plan to be with someone and start a family with them, it is so crucial that you establish some type a relationship with their children if you plan on having a future. I’ve witnessed beautiful blended families where they all work well together and they all know their place. Where the exes and new boyfriend/girlfriend don’t hate each other and can actually depend on each other if need be. And with that being said, I know these things take time. You shouldn’t be threatened by the ex and the current partner shouldn’t be looked at as the enemy. But, I do understand the caution behind not wanting your children around someone other than you. As we all know, there are some crazy ass people out there. But, you have to trust the mother/father to know that they wouldn’t bring someone in their lives if they couldn’t trust them around and in their kid(s) life.

So if you are leery about dating someone with kids, I understand and I’m not judging! But, don’t count someone out simply because they have a child or multiple children. And if you are open to it, more power to you! It certainly isn’t for the weak-hearted.

 

Love, Always. ♥