Do you ever feel like you’re losing yourself?
I had to ask myself on a number of occasions. The first time was when I got into a relationship that my mother wanted me to be in, not because I wanted to. I felt like something was wrong with me because he was the ‘perfect’ guy according to everyone else. I was young and felt like it was an obligation and that something was wrong with me because I didn’t want to be in that situation. But, it taught me to never put myself in that situation again. It hurt me everyday and I ended up hurting the other person as well cause I couldn’t and wouldn’t return the love they were giving me.
The second time was when I realized I couldn’t afford to keep attending the school I wanted to be at. I felt like I let myself down because I depended on everybody else to handle my business for me. That taught me that the best help comes from you. You get what you work for and I didn’t work hard enough to pay for it. Simple as that.
And the most recent time that I questioned it was on a Saturday morning as I picked up spider man underwear and threw a beer can into the trash. Picked the jays up and stacked them in the closet. It wasn’t until one Saturday morning, while making coffee and laying my edges down in the mirror while all three of the boys napped on the couch.. that I knew, this is me. I remember I wrote about change being uncomfortable. How it can feel odd and different and foreign. That’s exactly how I felt. But, I didn’t realize the break thru I was going to have. While a smooth cup of coffee was brewing in the kitchen with my eyes glued to Being Mary Jane and three of the funniest, sweetest men on the couch, I realized that I wasn’t losing myself, I was evolving. I was growing and I love the place I’m in and the people in my life and the long days, the early mornings, the arguments, the kisses, the smiles, the laughs, the finger swords fights. I loved it all. And I loved myself in the process. I have all of this added love and happiness to my life on top of being me, which is pretty amazing. I found a new sense of motivation. I can be all of these things and still be Malissa. How bad-ass right? I am going to finish school, I am going to get my health together, my natural hair is flourishing, my relationship is beautiful, my family is my heart and my mind is clear and focused.
So if you have to, retreat back, tuck yourself in a corner for a minute, cry ( you know those ugly tears you only bring out when your alone and the door is closed). Do it and get yourself together. Cause in the end, your opinion of yourself HAS to be the most important. And if you think lowly of yourself, so will everyone else.
I love my life. And I love the Malissa I am currently. This however, does not mean that I don’t recognize what I can improve on. I have so much I should be doing, be finished with, goals I need to be hitting. But, in the process, I love who I am. I love the mistakes I make, the lessons I am learning, the pain I go thru. It all means for a better me.
It is so important to stop and think, Who am I right now? Do I like who I am? Do I like the people in my life? If the answer is no, it’s time for a change. But, if the answer is yes, enjoy the journey. A lot of times we think we are a wreck, we feel a lot smaller than what we are, like we are drowning in everything around us. But stop, and take a look in the mirror and see the amazing person staring back. Write down all of the great things you have going for you on a piece of paper. Do something that makes you see how awesome you are. Cause If we are being honest, we all have insecure moments. We all have moments when we think we aren’t good enough, aren’t smart enough, aren’t small enough, aren’t big enough, aren’t doing anything right. But that’s apart of life. Self evaluation is so important. Trust me, there will always be people there to tell you what you aren’t doing right. Very rarely do you find people who highlight the good and the beautiful. But that’s what you have you for. For the times you feel weak and the outside doesn’t tell you otherwise. For the times you are tired and feel like giving up, for the times you can’t get your thoughts together because you have a million things going on. Look in the mirror, breathe, and keep going. So if you have to, retreat back, tuck yourself in a corner for a minute, cry ( you know those ugly tears you only bring out when your alone and the door is closed). Do it and get yourself together. Cause in the end, your opinion of yourself HAS to be the most important. And if you think lowly of yourself, so will everyone else.
So today, stop, look in the mirror. Do you like who you see?
As Always, Peace & Love