“You can’t be who you’re going to be, and who you used to be at the same time..”
I have been doing a lot of soul-searching lately (sounds cliché’, I know) and self-reflection. And with that, I have been growing. Growth is something we all struggle with. We struggle with the thought of losing our identity and this sense of ‘self’ that we have grown comfortable with. Growth can be hard, it can be confusing. Growth will pull you out of any situation that you can no longer remain comfortable in..a job, friendship, relationship, etc.It will shake up your world more than you know. It will change whatever plans you THINK you had. But, we cannot be afraid of the change; of evolving into who we are supposed to be.
For me, getting out of a stagnant relationship was what kicked off my ‘growth spurt’. I was out growing everything about it and it showed and he could tell as well. One time he even said that he felt like he was holding me back, I just didn’t see it because I was ‘so in love’. Towards the end, there was a lot of arguing, dreading conversations because my opinion was not valued. Before, I would let it go, but I endured entirely too much throughout the entire thing for my voice not to be heard and girl I was over it. I slowly saw that it became more of a familiarity thing and I was just used to him being around, not that I wanted him there anymore. I had love for him, but I was no longer in love and it took a lot of growing to realize that. You outgrow people, jobs, situations, relationships, and friendships and there is nothing wrong with that. You should never feel bad for growing away from someone, trust me, better will come.
Once I got over that, I realized I was no longer stuck in that cycle and I was so damn happy! Trying to be an ‘understanding woman’, trying to prove that I could handle HIS life, being in his kids life, dealing with the typical baby mama drama. I was losing myself by trying to be good enough for him…but what about me? So many things and aspects of myself were being repressed and shoved in a corner to accommodate everyone else’s feelings and I was no longer having it. I found myself stressing everyday, constantly being caught up in drama, always having to be the bigger person, and rarely getting so much as a thank you for not making things worse. I ended up looking at him in a total different light every single day because he was changing me and I hated it. Before him, I had never dealt with drama like I did during the relationship, I had never put myself in compromising situations, I had never felt so lost. I put so many things on hold to help him and it was never appreciated. I was losing myself.
The day it was finally over, I felt so free! Yeah, I cried a little when he walked out the door for the last time but not because I wanted him, but because of all the time and energy wasted. I lost what I thought was a friend. But he was far from it. A friend wouldn’t put you down constantly, a friend wouldn’t devalue your voice and opinion. A friend would not let other people say or do terrible things to them. A friend would care and it took me too long to see that he did not. I was so busy searching for myself in him and in that relationship that I had completely lost sight of who Malissa was.
By the time he left, I had wasted no time. I had already gotten dressed and I decided to take myself to the movies IMMEDIATELY. lol I can’t even explain the feeling to you guys. I felt like so much weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I rearranged my room and closet because I no longer had to accommodate for his clothes being there. No longer had to cook everyday (if you know me, you know I rarely eat dinner). I could just be me again and that felt so good!
From that day forward, I have been knocking down goals that I have been wanting to accomplish. I found my career path in school ( Thank GOD!), eating a lot healthier, working out, and getting to really think and write about whatever the hell I want to without hearing anybody’s mouth!(yes girl, he even tried to control that).
I am making better lifestyle choices because I HAVE MY LIFE BACK. For the first time in a long time, I’m focusing on me. I wake up with a positive attitude every single day. I’m closer with my friends and family more than ever. I had kind of stayed away from them for a while, but luckily they took ya girl back with open arms and I love them to pieces! My relationship with my mother is back on track (she hated him lol) and I and even getting a relationship with my father again. I feel like Malissa again and I wish it were words to describe it. I found joy in MY LIFE again.
I wake up everyday with a clear mind, a clean spirit and an open heart. I’m loving the changes I have made within myself already and I can’t wait to see what is in store for my future that is already looking bright!
I hope you guys will look at your growing pains as an opportunity to change for the better. Whatever that initial sign is, don’t fight it! Follow it and evolve and watch how God blesses your life. When you remain ‘comfortable’ you are only hurting yourself. So if God is trying to eliminate something out of your life..a bad job, friendship, relationship, financial tie, bad habits..please don’t fight the current!! I wish I had told myself this a long time ago but, I’m glad I figured it out now. I promise you, life will get so much better. I promise!
Peace & Love ❤