This is an open letter to my father and any one who grew up without one or more parent present. This post is very personal for me and it just came to me all of a sudden. My mother was always there thru everything. Every emotion, every bad situation I put myself in, for every award I won, for all of the times I felt bad about myself, for all of the times I let her and myself down. She witnessed it all whether she wanted to or not. So since you missed the little things and the big things, let me fill you in so we can catch up.
- I once peed on top of the toilet seat…lemme explain.. I was a child (about 6/7/8)and I woke up in the middle of the night, walked to the bathroom with my eyes still 3/4 closed, sat down and peed. lol The worst part? I didn’t even realize until I had a good amount out. So embarrassed! All my mother could do was laugh.
- I started my period at 11, the Sunday after my 11th birthday to be exact. I started crying when my mom had mentioned it to me about it before. I was scared. But, I handled it like a pro when it came. I know it may seem weird that I’m telling you but, I always see fathers and daughters have that weird but funny talk about periods on movies and I hate that I didn’t get to have that awkward little talk with my father. So, I’m telling you now.
- I made my brothers sit through fashions shows and tea parties. I tried on clothes and blasted Britney Spears down the hallway and strutted my stuff. Surprisingly they sat through it. They sat through tea parties which consisted of Mountain Dew and Cheetos, every time. This made me so happy. I have the best brothers in the world.
- I felt like I hated you at one point. I hated you for not being there. I hated you for how you treated my mother. I hated you for wanting to be anywhere but with me and my brother. I hated you for not being able to call you and tell you how my day was. I hated you for leaving that vacuum we got for you sitting in the parking lot for Fathers Day. I hated you each time you and my mom got into a fight.I hated you for all of the proms, homecomings, and holidays you missed. I hated you because I still loved you despite all of that.
- I have five tattoos now. I don’t know how you feel about them but they all mean something to me and are special to me. The first one I got says “This too shall pass”. At the time, I was going through a lot. Emotionally, financially, mentally, spiritually. And I just kept telling myself that this too shall pass. Nothing last forever and that is what pulled me back up.
- I once wrote a paper about how strong my mother was and how she still took care of me and my brothers without you there. I didn’t let her know I was writing about her until it was finished so that she couldn’t tell me to change anything. I didn’t want her to try to be modest and have me change the way I saw her. She was and still is a superhero. I won an award and money for it too. I was even on TV for it. To this day, she still talks about how proud she was of me for it.
- I made Tommy burn his elbow once on accident. We were young, sitting in the car and I pretended that I had dropped some change on the ground under the car. I didn’t realize how hot the ground or the car was and when he reached to get it, he burned his elbow. I still feel bad about that til this day.
- You are apart of me in more ways than you know. I remember you used to play Sade and Bob Marley all thru the house out of those big black speakers in the living room. Sade is still my favorite singer today. I listen to her whenever I need to calm down or when I’m upset and it brings me back to a good place. I love writing. My mom told me about a letter you once wrote to her. I never knew about it until a few weeks ago and I was glad we had something that I loved so much in connection with each other.
- I once cursed at my mom. Not in the way that you think! lol I was about 9 I think and we all were playing hide and go seek in the park. I thought I had a good hiding space but my mom crept around the corner and scared me! She scared me so bad I yelled out, “YOU SCARED THE HELL OUTTA ME!” We couldn’t do anything but laugh. I thought I was gonna get in so much trouble but, I didn’t. She knew I didn’t mean it but we all still laugh about it!
- I love you. I have never stopped loving you. Regardless of the bad times and the memories I wish I could forget, I still love you. And I forgive you. I cherish the good moments we had, you falling asleep while we watch El Dorado’ in your living room. You teaching me how to make potato salad (it was actually pretty good). You know I still have some of your cigar boxes? I keep them because the smell reminds me of you and the good times. They haven’t lost their scent at all. Crazy right?
Peace & Love ♥